I run toward baubles and bubbles trying to fill the voids in my life. Can my emptiness be filled with some new shoes? You bet! At least for awhile. But when I’m unhappy, I spend money I don’t have on clothes, shoes, body products, housewares, furniture, do-dads–idiot stuff. I binge. I buy until I feel like vomiting. Then, feeling sick and ashamed at how much I’ve spent, wondering what got into me, I look around at all that stuff and realize I still feel empty. I know all of this ahead of time, yet I still do it. When I’m happy, truly happy, and working on something I love—writing, art–then I tend to not care what I dress like, or what the house looks like. “Give it all to charity,” I say. “I have what’s really important to me. I know who I am.”
I want to live like that all the time.
But right now I’m just floating and feeling alone, searching for happiness in the beyond section of Bed Bath and Beyond.
